Thursday, 15 November 2012
There are a lot times in my life, where I have to put my head in my hands and breath and when that doesn't work I don't give up, but I keep trying until it does.
There isn't one thing that makes me do this (so, I can plan ahead and avoid it in the future). It can be a number of things, I could hear something on the telly or radio, read something or the worst is when someone tells me something. When that happens I am left feeling panicked and feel like I need air, even if I am standing outside, which can come across as rude to the other person/people.
My body goes into a state of panic, I feel all hot and bothered and most of all I worry and worry some more, and boy do I worry.
I am a natural born worrier, even though I know that my worrying can not control a situation (however hard I try) I will still worry about an outcome until I know the result. In everyday life this can be resolved in a simple and calm manor, I can stop watching or reading, I can remove myself from the situation and (try to) put the information I have just absorbed to the back of my mind. But... It will still niggle away, until I find out what the result was. I could resolve this by reading to the end of a news article or listening watching out for news updates.
The worst is when it is something that involves someone I know, this can vary from the little things of; asking a friend to text me to let them know they got home safely to the bigger things that most people would worry about; when a loved one is ill.
This isn't something that I have just developed, it has been growing since I was little and I wouldn't worry about the big things that I should really worry/panic/be nervous about; performing on stage to an audience of 2,000 and it not even crossing my mind to what they think, but I would worry/panic/be nervous about the new person who I would be working with and if they liked me or not. It is always worse when I know the person/people.
I am growing as a person and I have learnt to be stronger and fight some of the battles I used to let other people win. I used to live by the motto of: "You can hurt me, but I will stand up to you if you hurt the ones I love". I know that this isn't a healthy way of thinking (see, I admit I know, but I still let it happen), but I know stick up for myself and others, when I know a person is in the wrong and they are treating another human in a way that just isn't acceptable. I feel good about myself for about an hour, knowing that what I did was right, but then the worrying kicks in and it is then a vicious circle from there on in. I give it ten years before I forget about it (I joke....).
I know that if my life was played by an Eastenders/American sitcom character, people would be sat shouting at the telly, telling me to pull myself together and I would no doubt join them in doing so. But, it really isn't that easy, there is a worry button in my head that clicks at certain times and off I go for the next X amount of time.
This is where the 'head in hands' comes into use, I go into some sort of meditation like state to calm myself down and clear my mind of the impending worry. It seems to be getting easier, but I guess time will tell.