Monday, 7 January 2013

The wait is over... 2013 is here


I had been longing and pining for the end of 2012, I ended up wishing the days away (which I know is something you should never do) and the end of the year really couldn't come soon enough.

My blog was very neglected and unloved, I tried my best to set time aside, but in all honesty my heart wasn't in it. My home life was stressful, family life hard which had a big knock on effect to my working life.

I am the type of person who keeps everything bottled up, I put on a brave face so that people around me don't ask questions, which in turn means that don't have a clue what an emotional and unstable wreak I am. But my worrying and anxious mind really doesn't help when I am trying to stay calm and collective.

After the first few months of 2012, I felt like a lot had already happened. Lola was ill, I moved house, I was stressed with work and went a holiday; that I felt very guilty to be on. The worst feeling of darkness swept me off of my feet, into a very deep and dark black hole.

After being in and out of hospital since January, my Dad passed away in June. It pains me so much to even write these words. I never ever thought I could feel so much hurt and upset, I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. The emptiness and sadness that surrounds me feels never ending, but I have had an amazing set of friends and family around me. I wouldn't get out of bed every morning if it wasn't for Chris, he has been my life support through this time.

I can laugh, have good days and even find myself having fun, but there are still a lot of the dark moments where I find myself breaking down at the smallest of things. It can be something someone says, or a TV show, someone can do something that would just remind me and I would be find tears running down my face.

I struggled with returning to work, it held a lot of negative emotions and I hated the felling of others feeling sorry for me (the tale tell look on peoples faces). I needed a break and move to where no one knew anything. I made the move in October and have been in my new job now for three months, it has taken my mind off of things and made the process slightly easier.

2013, is a new year and a new start, the pain isn't any easier, but it is the small things that make all the difference, writing 2013 instead of 2012, is really helping and doesn't bring negative thoughts every time I see the number.

I hope 2013 is everything you want it to be and heres to a positive out look to the year ahead.

*The photo is of my Dad and I, four days before he passed.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to read about your dad passing away. I cannot imagine how you must feel. I admire the strength you seem to have and hope this year will bring you some joy and happiness again.

    xx, Sandra

    http://alwayswithheart.blogspot.co.at

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear of your terrible loss and awful year. Nothing can ever mend the heartbreak of losing someone so close to you but I hope that 2013 will be a year for you to begin to feel stronger and more positive about things again. A new year is a fresh beginning and I really, truly hope it's a great year for you, it certainly sounds like you deserve it to be! :)

    Amelia @ Ducklingtoswan.com! :) xxx

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  3. My dad passed away this year and I know how you feel. I do the same, put on a brave face so that I don't have to talk about it but then it leaves you breaking down at strange moments.
    Stay strong and as the time passes you will be able to smile at the good times rather than crying at the loss. Xxx

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear about this horrible loss.

    I really hope this year will bring some balance and relief for you.
    I admire your positive outlook and hope for the future.

    Good luck to you in everything you do and take care.

    x

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  5. lovely post - sorry for your loss x

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  6. Sending lots of love and well wishes your way beautiful! <3

    Jennie xo | sailorjennie.com

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